Real Enough
by sophiedoodle
Summary: Janeway's thoughts after "Sacred Ground."


Real Enough

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. are owned by Paramount.

_Author's Note: This was one of those stories that kind of developed a life of its own…_

The gentle waves lapped against the side of the boat, pushing and pulling in a rocking motion that was at once lulling and somehow disquieting. Kathryn brushed a strand of hair off her face, her eyes fixed on the thin ribbon of moonlight that trailed across the rippled surface of the lake. In the distance, a night bird cried, its song echoing across the waters, and she wondered how far away it truly was. The iridescent light from the moon washed over the looming mountain peaks, illuminating them into vague silhouettes against the canvas of the night sky.

Kathryn stood at the aft railing, her elbows perched on the rounded bar, her hands folded, and her chin just grazing the tips of her fingers. She felt a slight movement behind her and turned to see Chakotay returning to the deck, a fresh bottle of champagne in one hand and two upturned flutes clutched in the other. He filled the two glasses, handed her one, and then smiled. His eyes seemed almost bottomless in the midnight air, the light breeze fluttering its fingers through his hair, his tattoo almost hidden in the shadows. She sipped the drink thoughtfully, still watching him.

"You okay?" His voice was quiet but rimmed with concern. She regarded him for a moment, then shook her head. Surprise flickered in his eyes; it wasn't exactly the quintessential Kathryn Janeway response. He reached out and laid his hand over hers.

"What can I do?' he almost whispered. Instead of replying, she turned her hand over and threaded her fingers through his, her eyes never leaving his face. She saw something—joy? fear?—flash through his eyes, but he merely smiled.

"Thank you for coming out here with me tonight. I needed to be… somewhere familiar." Her voice was quiet but the intensity spoke volumes by itself.

"This place is very special to you," he murmured.

"Yes." She paused and glanced around the encroaching darkness. "It's the first place I ever felt truly in touch with nature. It's grounding, somehow. The water, the mountains, the little islands here and there, continually growing, changing, but all springing from the same place, the same natural processes that have been going on for millions of years."

"Creation in all its majesty," he commented, his thumb lightly stroking her fingers. She took a small sip of her drink.

"In a way. Usually I find that it confirms who I am, _what I am…_" She trailed off, her gaze suddenly drawn to their clasped hands. She sighed, and the slightest shimmer of tears touched her eyes.

"But tonight?"

"Tonight…I find myself wondering where it all comes from. Why it's all here. And if I truly understand anything I thought I understood." Chakotay nodded, his dark eyes watchful.

"I feel like everything I knew, everything I understood, is in question. Life has always been a solid for me, changing, yes, but somehow firm beneath those alterations. A constant that I felt free to explore with the eyes and knowledge of a scientist."

"And now that's changed. Because of what happened with the Nechani."

"What do you do when everything you know suddenly feels _wrong?_ Like there's a big chunk of the universe that I've always been missing. How do you figure out what is right? What's _real_?" In frustration, Kathryn pulled her hand from his and walked several steps down the railing. Chakotay followed her, his voice gentle.

"Understanding doesn't happen overnight, Kathryn. It doesn't usually come in a flash of sudden inspiration. It's typically a slow process, the conglomeration of a million little things that somehow all fit together to showcase the bigger picture."

"How do I know if any of this is real?" she finally asked softly, lifting her eyes to meet his once again. Beside her, Chakotay sighed. "How do I know that any of this is truly _happening_?"

"Maybe sometimes you just have to decide what's real enough for you." She looked away, but he softly brought her gaze back to meet his.

"Yes," she murmured. And then she spoke again. "How do you do it, Chakotay? How do you maintain your faith in the midst of a million reasons not to believe?" Her voice was urgent, pressing, and he saw her aching desire for order, for normalcy, looming in her eyes.

"Because I have a million other reasons _to _believe," he answered softly.

"I don't think I'm quite ready for that," she admitted.

"You don't have to be," he said. "Maybe all you need to be is open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, science and technology doesn't hold all the answers you'll ever need."

She sighed again.

"I don't think I'm ready for that either." She laughed ruefully at herself. "Ironic that we're having this conversation here, isn't it?" He stepped closer and placed his big hands on her shoulders.

"Maybe, just maybe, you don't always need to analyze everything. Especially right now. Let's just enjoy this night, this beauty. This may only be the holodeck, but it feels pretty real to me." His eyes were on her as he spoke, and she suddenly felt the symphony of her heart pounding. "_You_ feel pretty real to me." The last words were barely a whisper. Slowly, she nodded, and then, before she could question herself, before she could _analyze_, she stepped closer to him, slipped her arm around his waist, and rested her head on his shoulder. They watched the give and take of the water surrounding them in silence.

"You know, when I look at all this, I can almost…" But the rest of the thought trailed off, and Chakotay's arms came strongly around her.

They remained that way for a very long time, a tranquil spot in the vastness of the waters, in the vastness of space all around them. Two lonely, perhaps weary, people adrift yet anchored one to another, watching and waiting. Maybe only a tiny ripple in the ocean of the universe but a ripple nonetheless.

When the first streaks of dawn were splattering the night sky, they took their leave, stepping back into the life, into the reality, of Voyager. They walked slowly down the corridors, hand-in-hand, not speaking, until they reached Kathryn's quarters.

Then they stood facing each other, uncertain breaths hanging in the air. Kathryn reached up and lightly touched his face, curving her hand to fit his cheek as he leaned into her caress. She opened her mouth to say something, to thank him or maybe even more than that. But before she could manage to form the words, he had bent his head, his mouth tenderly exploring hers. And the wondrous span of the oceans, the solemn majesty of the mountain peaks, the deep and seeming endlessness of space, all coalesced into little more than a passing thought, a bit of forgettable minutiae.

And yet all that was in her wondered at the simplicity of this one act, this one moment in time.

"What—what was that?" she asked breathlessly when he finally pulled away and turned toward his quarters.

"That," he murmured, stopping and staring at her," was _real._"

_The End_

_Author's Note #2: In case you're wondering, this could be Lake George (like in Coda) or not :)_


End file.
